A teacher in Malaysia is in a little trouble after she forced one of her 16-year-old students to smoke 4 cigarettes at a time for two hours straight. The dude smoked a total of 42 ciggies. Dude is probably still pooing ash.

The teacher forced the student after she discovered a cigarette in his locker. You know homegirl's genius plan backfired.  She thought she was going to smoke the habit out of him.  Methinks she created a smoke monster!  Dude is going to be trolling the gutters for ciggie butts to eat. Good going, teacher.

When the boy's uncle found out about it, he filed a police report.  A police official said, "This is not normal. We don't do that often."  Uhhhhh ok.  That's good enough for me.  On to the next topic:





During a performance of "Love in an Elevator" at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota last night, Steven Tyler fell backwards off the stage and onto a few audience members. (Insert a zillion "going doooown" jokes here).

The Associated Press says Steven suffered minor head, neck and shoulder owwies. Steven was immediately airlifted to the hospital after being examined by an on-site doctor. A rep for the Buffalo Chip Campground, where the concert took place, said Steven was all jokes and laughed about it afterwards. The rep added, "He does a lot of dancing on the stage and he does a lot of stuff with his mike stand. He put his stand down and twirled around and stepped backwards off the stage. It was an unfortunate end to an extraordinary evening."

Last month, Aerosmith was forced to cancel a bunch of shows after Steven messed up his leg while jumping onstage.  Their bassist Tom Hamilton had to get non-invasive surgery and was temporarily replaced by David Hull for part of the tour. AND Joe Perry had knee surgery back in March. Can someone please send these dudes an emergency shipment of Three Wolf Moon t-shirts?! They should be required to wear them at all times!


As you know, the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt protects the wearer from any and all harm!

No but really, I believe that Steven Tyler is going to outlive us all, so it won't be long before he's back on stage thrusting shimmying like he needs a dollar in a serious way.

Quick! Fill the bath tub with Paula Abdul's CODE BLUE cocktail (everything in the medicine cabinet and Diet Pepsi), because worlds have just shattered!  Paula Abdul announced on her Twitter that American Idol will lose its brightest (aka craziest) star. These are the tearful words Paula wrote:

"With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month."

If it was a money issue, I'm thinking that all Simon had to do was give up his tight t-shirt budget, so they could give Paula a few more money.

It's like I'm blowin' morphine-covered kisses in the wind and Paula isn't there to catch them anymore.  This gives me the sads.





Ok is this not the creepiest idea for an urn that you've ever seen?  If you enjoy almost coughing up your heart out of sheer fear while crossing your living room mantle to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, then this is the product JUST FOR YOU!  A company called Cremation Solutions has started selling urns that look exactly like the head of your dead loved one or "your favorite celebrity." The creepiness is made using one or two photographs. It comes in full-sized and keepsake-sized.

24-year-old Kristin Hardy has officially divorced her 85-year-old BILLIONAIRE husband, because he wanted to make love every minute of the day.

Ok here's some math:  85-year-old heart + billions of dollars + copious amounts of Viagra + overexertion = AN EASY MARK

Joe Hardy, the founder of 84 Lumber, and Kristin were married in 2007 (after dating for a few months), but split up only 3 months later. Kristin says that the marriage immediately went south when Joe gave her a list of things she had to do.

Joe wanted her to spend more time with him and less time with her son from another relationship. Joe demanded that she not text message in front of him, walk around the house in sessy lingerie and give him sex whenever he wanted it. Kristin told The Daily Mirror, "I just could not believe what he wanted me to do. He'd lean over while we were watching TV and grope me. That's not how married couples behave."

The day after she got the list, Kristin left Joe and went to live with her mother. According to the pre-nup she signed, if Kristin walked away from the marriage, she'd get a box full of NOTHING.

Kristin, who is now engaged to a 28-year-old IT consultant, said she married Joe for love and not for money, "I did not marry him for his money. People were calling me a gold-digger but that could not be further form the truth. I married for love and it is as simple as that."  LOL

Okay, Joe sounds like a regular Creepy McGrossyOldHands, but what did Kristin expect!? She married a man old enough to be her grand peepaw after only dating him for a few months. It's not like they were the second coming of Brit Brit & Chester Cheetah (the love affair of our time).


Now...this particular story comes at a very interesting time in my own life, as I have been researching the topic of why some women are attracted to older men.  From what I can tell, it may be linked to the absence of a father during a crucial time in the woman's life.  It may also be that she's tired of unstable, immature people that may be closer to her age, and prefers the settled down nature of the older man.  There also may be some kind of exoticness that comes with it.  Somebody considerably older can seem like they're from another era with a vastly different knowledge of things.  And then there's the ruggedness that comes across from older men.  I think some young women find that handsome and sexy.  But it's all new research to me at this point.  Maybe some of it is accurate, maybe all of it is.  I don't know.

It's here! The Snuggie for dogs! It will terrify your dog more than Michael Vick's headshot!

The Snoggie gives your dog yet another reason to hate your ass even more and slowly smother you while you sleep! If you make your dog wear a Snuggie, don't be surprised if you wake up to find a tiny pillow in his paws.  Although, if your dog gets cold while watching TV and sipping hot chocolate on cold winter nights, then maybe you SHOULD get him a Snuggie.  And if you've actually seen your dog change the channel with the remote, then maybe YOU should go to rehab.

However, the talking doggy tag looks like it could come in handy. You can record yourself saying stuff like (in a doggy voice of course), "You rook beautiful" and "I ruv you."  That way when you get the sads, you can ask your dog, "How do I look?" All you gotta do is push the button and feel the warmth in your heart when you hear him say, "You rook beautiful."

Miley Cyrus' self-proclaimed #1 fan was arrested in Georgia, because he actually admitted to being a Miley fan. That is a crime. And he also told the cops that they are meant to be together, because she sends him secret messages on her TV show. John Mark Karr, please clear your top bunk, because I think you've got yourself a new roommate/bff.

TMZ says that 53-year-old Mark McLeod was arrested last month on the set of Miley's movie in Tybee Island, GA after he made raunchy comments to some young girls in the crowd. According to police reports, Mark confessed to spying on Miley for 3 to 4 days. Creepy McCreepster told the cops that he was going to marry Miley no matter what. Dude even invited the cops to their wedding. He also claimed that he sent the future Mrs. McLeod (LOL) two $2,000 diamond rings.

Mark was released shortly after his arrest and now his whereabouts are unknown. The LAPD has been warned about this pedo since Miley started living in L.A.

And in case you need more proof that this dude should probably be in a straitjacket, here's a video from March of him telling the NYDN that Miley speaks to him through paparazzi pictures.





Dinner last night:



The Rubix Cubewich

Miley Cyrus' self-proclaimed #1 fan was arrested in Georgia, because he actually admitted to being a Miley fan. That is a crime. And he also told the cops that they are meant to be together, because she sends him secret messages on her TV show. John Mark Karr, please clear your top bunk, because I think you've got yourself a new roommate/bff.

TMZ says that 53-year-old Mark McLeod was arrested last month on the set of Miley's movie in Tybee Island, GA after he made raunchy comments to some young girls in the crowd. According to police reports, Mark confessed to spying on Miley for 3 to 4 days. Creepy McCreepster told the cops that he was going to marry Miley no matter what. Dude even invited the cops to their wedding. He also claimed that he sent the future Mrs. McLeod (LOL) two $2,000 diamond rings.

Mark was released shortly after his arrest and now his whereabouts are unknown. The LAPD has been warned about this pedo since Miley started living in L.A.

And in case you need more proof that this dude should probably be in a straitjacket, here's a video from March of him telling the NYDN that Miley speaks to him through paparazzi pictures.





Dinner last night:



The Rubix Cubewich

A 67-year-old woman in Brisbane was doing her business when she fell and got herself wedged between the toilet and a door. Homegirl didn't have one of those Life Alert things and she lives alone, so she was there for one full week. The woman was finally rescued when a neighbor heard her screeches for help and called the police.

The woman was taken to a nearby hospital, treated for dehydration and released. Now, I know you're thinking that she could've just flushed and lapped from bowl, but police say that wasn't possible. They said she "somehow became trapped with her feet stuck on either side of the toilet bowl and her body wedged against the inward-opening door." That sounds like some Cirque de Toilet' stuff!

You know ole' girl is never going into that bathroom again. She's going using the kitchen sink and/or a bucket in the back yard.  If she's forced to go into that bathroom again, she's going to bring a tub of Crisco, a fully charged cell phone and some Crystal Light with her. Because if you have to drink toilet water, you should at least flavor it.



This video of a 5-year-old boy with a Little Lord Fauntleroy haircut playing Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" makes me wanna go "awwww."  It's even adorable when he sings, "I shot a man in Weeeeeeno just to watch him dieeeeee."

Usually, hearing kiddies singing make my ears itch....for instance, Kid Bopz...LOL come on now.  But I was able to watch this boy's entire performance without calling poison control! Kid is a musical genius.

While the rest of the world is talking about Obama's attempt at fixing the healthcare crisis in this country, I'm leaning more toward following Amy Winehouse's court case.  She is, after all, one of my favorite humans.

The judge told the court: "Having heard the evidence from all the witnesses, I cannot be sure that this was not an accident. The charge is dismissed and the defendant discharged."  Notice how he used the words "defendant discharged" together like that.  I don't know about you guys, but that reminds me that I need to make spaghetti with chunky meat sauce and sun-dried tomatoes for dinner tonight.

They're saying that once court was adjourned and everyone starting leaving, Amy just sat there confused until one of her lawyers had to tell her that she was free to smack hos again. Outside of the court, Amy told reporters, "I'm relieved. I'm going home to freebase Cheerios."  No she didn't say that.  I was just kidding.





The above picture was taken last night at a Mexican restaurant that some friends and I went to after I drank half a bottle of Wild Turkey.  Is it just me or does the little Mexican boy look like he's peeing in a flute?  Well, it is the sign for the bathroom, so there ya go.

But anyway, for those of you that have ever gone out to eat with me, you might have noticed that I don't always order from the menu.  I just like to ask for whatever I'm in the mood for.  I mean, it's a restaurant...they're gonna have the basic ingredients to make whatever you want.  So last night when it was my turn to order, I ask for two boiled eggs and some french fries.

At this point my friends are laughing at me, and the waiter looks at me like I just stole his favorite Ricky Martin CD.  But they did make me some eggs and french fries.  And they gave me some great landscaping tips.  LOL just kidding.  But seriously folks, stereotypes are bad.